Jokesss Times Again!

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY WITH EYE CANDY!!! ='(
[NOTE: I DIDNT WRITE THIS! CHAY WROTE THIS DURING OB TUTORIAL!! Lol i didnt know until i reached home and read my own blog"

Patient: its been one month since my last visit and i still feel miserable
Doctor: did you follow the instructions on the medicine i gave you?
Patient: i sure did. the bottle said "keep tightly closed"

Doctor: ive got good news and bad news. which one would you like to hear first?
Patient: the bad news
Doctor: the bad news is we have to remove both your legs
Patient: the good news?
Doctor: the good news is the man in the next bed wants to buy your shoe

Nit: the ointment is making my legs smart
Wit: quick rub some on your head

The absent-minded professor arrived at the emergency ward with both of his ears badly burnt.
"How did this happen?" asked the doctor.
"I was ironing my shirt", explained the professor, "when the phone rang and i answered the iron by mistake."
"What about the other ear?"
"That happened when i called for an ambulance."

Willy: doctor everyone tries to take advantage of me. what should i do?
Doctor: give me two hundred dollars and let me borrow your car

When Jimmy came home from the dentist his mother was shocked at how much the bill was.
"You said it would only cost 60 dollars," she said to the dentist on the phone. "Why is the bill for 240 dollars?".
"It is usually 60," explained the dentist. "But Jimmy screamed so loud he scared off three of my other patients."

Patient: i feel nauseated, doctor. can you help me?
Doctor: certainly, use the door right behind you

Doctor: how are those strength pills i gave you last week working?
Patient: i dont know. im not strong enough to get the cap off the bottle yet

Chloe: last night my computer died
Zoey: what did it die of?
Chloe: terminal ilness

Sandy: i bet i can tell you what everyone in the world is doing at this very moment
Andy: oh yeah what?
Sandy: growing old

A man rushed into his doctor's office anxious to hear the results of his hospital tests. "I have bad news and terrible news," said the doctor.
"Whats the bad news?" said the man
"The bad news is you have only 48 hours to live."
"Whats the terrible news?"
"I left a message on your answering machine two days ago."

A woman frantically dialed 911. "Youve got to help me," she said. "Ive lost my dog!"
"Sorry miss," said the dispatcher, "but we dont handle missing animals."
"But you dont understand. This is no ordinary dog. He can talk."
"Well you better hang up, he might be trying to call in."

Stanley borrows ten dollars from his friend Ziggy, and promised to pay it back. A few days later Stanley and Ziggy were walking down the street when a mugger leaped in front of them shouting, "Give me all your money or i'll shoot!"
Digging into his pocket, Stanley pulled out a ten dollars and handed it to Ziggy, "here's the ten dollars i owe you," he said.

The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates. Every weekend on visitor's day while most of the prisoners were visited by family and friends, poor George sat alone in his cell.
One visiting day the warden called George into his office. "I notice you never have any visitors, George," said the warden, putting a comforting hand on George's shoulder. "Tell me, dont you have any friends or family?"
"Oh sure i do, warden," replied George cheerfully. "But they're all in here."

The absent-minded professor stood in the middle of a busy intersection while the policeman directed traffic.
"Excuse me officer," said the confused man, "but can you tell me how to get to the hospital?"
"Certainly," said the officer. "Just keep standing there."

The private detective had just moved into his new office when he heard a knock at the door. Hoping to make a good impression on his first customer, he yelled "Come in!" and then picked up the telephone and pretended he was talking to someone important. The visitor waited patiently. Finally the detective hung the phone and said, "As you can see, im very busy. What can i do for you?"
"Not much," said the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

Stanley got a job painting the yellow strips on the highway. His first day he dipped his brush into the bucket and managed to paint an entire mile of yellow lines. The second day he painted half a mile. The third day a quarter of a mile. On the fourth day Stanley's boss showed up and asked, "how come each day you seem to paint less and less?"
"Well, sir," explained Stanley, "thats because each day I get further and further away from the bucket."

A woman went to the zoo to apply for a job. When she arrived for the interview, the zookeeper told her he was looking for someone to dress up as a kangaroo to replace the real one that had been sent to another zoo.
"But i cant jump like a kangaroo," said the woman.
"Dont worry," the zookeeper reassured her. "We'll hide a trampoline behind some rocks and you can bounce up and down like the real thing."
The woman accepted and soon found herself in a kangaroo outfit leaping up and down on the trampoline. As the spectators cheered her, she got so caught up in the role that she bounced extra hard, then shot over the fence into the tiger's cage.
Scrambling to her feet, the woman began screaming hysterically, "Someone please help me! Help!"
The tiger inched closer and closer, then growled, "Shut up lady, or we'll both lose our jobs!"

(HAHAHAHA!)

Phil was on the top rung of a ladder, painting a house, while Bill stood on the ground, watching.
"Hey up there!" Bill shouted suddenly to Phil. "Have you got a firm grip on that paintbrush?"
"I sure do," replied Phil.
"Hold on tight, then," said Bill. "I need to borrow the ladder for a minute."

The owner of a store was making the rounds when he spotted the new clerk.
"I trust your supervisor told you what youre supposed to be doing?" said the owner.
"You bet," said the clerk. "He told me to look real busy if i saw you coming my way."

A construction worker accidentally dropped his towel off the top of a building. The trowel fell ten stories and neatly sliced the ear off another worker. As the man screamed in agony, the foreman quickly organised a search party to find the ear in the hope that the doctors could sew it back on again. After a long search, someone cried out, "Here it is! I found your ear."
Taking a look at it, the injured worker sighed and said, "No that cant be it. Mine had a pencil behind it."

Dad: look at this report card! Your teacher says she cant teach you anything
Son: see i told you she was no good

Jason: hey dad what would you say if i got a 100 on my maths test?
Dad: i'd be in such shock, i'd probably have a heart attack
Jason: im always looking out for your health, thats why i settled for a 60

The kids in my school are so high that:
- they give their teachers an Apple and IBM a day
- their treehouses have butlers
- their school has a mall in it
- they bought a diamond mine for a science project

[hahah i thought of xp aft reading this joke]

Dad: you flunked your maths test! how far were you from the right answer?
Son: three seats!

A hungry man saw a sign in a restaurant window saying, "WE'LL PAY YOU 100 DOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO ORDERS SOMETHING WE CAN'T MAKE." When he was seated at his table, he ordered a elephant sandwich. Digging into her apron, the waitress handed the man a hundred bucks.
"What? No elephants today?" said the man.
"No we have elephants, we ran out of huge buns."

Customer: there's something wrong with this salad dressing
Waiter: i dont understand, we change the oil every six months

Customer: why do you have your finger on my hamburger?
Waiter: i dont want it to fall on the floor again

Gussy: do fish perspire?
Fussy: how do you think the sea gets so salty?

Waiter: what can i get you sir?
Customer: how about a nice lobster tail?
Waiter: Very well sir (he takes out a book and reads) "Once upon a time there was a little lobster....."

Lollie: mother why are lobsters red?
Mother: you would too, if you swam around in a supermarket tank with no clothes on